I had to go to a wedding this weekend, all by myself.
Seriously–I”m feeling very LuLu Adventure, here, because I am two hours away from home, in a hotel room, without another soul who needs me, needs to talk to me, or wants my attention.
You’d think, that with all this quiet I’d be giddy, terribly excited, able to string more than three sentences together in my head at a time. I mean, as wacky as my life is, this should be a repreive or a luxury shouldn’t it?
I’m lonely. I’m bored. I want my family.
I haven’t attended a wedding without Mate since before we were dating. (Oh crap, that’s 21 years ago.) All last night, I kept looking for him to say something, make a comment, make a joke, touch his hand. After my first glass of wine (I only had three, well spaced–I just couldn’t get plastered if he wasn’t there as my safety net) I went into the bathroom, called him on Chicken’s cell phone (mine has prematurely given up the ghost, sort of like one of Chicken’s pet rats) and cried all over him. There might be a reason that in a year and a half of blogging, you’ve only heard tell of five glasses of wine.
And now, having packed while Mate and the kids were getting ready to go to Chicken’s end-of-the-year soccer party (the reason Mate didn’t come with me…chickens and other grunion come first…) I have forgotten my brush, forgotten my toothbrush, and woken up an hour after I’d planned. I’d wanted to be out of here at first daylight, so no one could see my frowzled trolll-breath self sneak away. And now I’m wondering if I could miss all my colleagues (the bride used to teach at our school and has since moved on to greater glory in the district. She’s still wonderful though–as a bride she was frickin’ gorgeous, and a dancing machine. I hope she’s sound a sleep–and has some tylenol nearby–as I type this.) if I just go back to bed and sleep off that last glass of wine.
And I’m remembering that scene in BOUND, where Green is alone in the hotel room and he gets the ‘psychic wake up call’ from Cory that she needs him. I’d written that scene after Mate had spent a couple of years doing a job that required business trips, and he’d always sounded so lonely when he was gone. (I, of course, was a neurotic freaking mess. Not to mention that if something bad was going to happen–leaking roof, sick cat, sick kids, car trouble–it always happened when he was gone.) And now, in my first hotel room, all to myself, I know exactly what Green was feeling. I got that scene just right–I can’t be home soon enough.