And For Zero Pay, You could…

Oh yeah, sure– we all talk about needing an assistant, but I’m starting to think I should never, ever, ever get one.

I’d abuse the poor thing horribly.

Seriously– just thinking about what I’d make an assistant do is embarrassing.  I mean, I probably couldn’t find someone who could do all that in a day anyway.  My assistant would need an assistant.

But gees, it would be nice to have someone who would do all the stuff I couldn’t get to…

I mean, ALL the stuff.

So much stuff….

*  *  *

Wanted: Writer’s Assistant

Will work for resume–

Must be prepared to do the following:

*  Organize my blog tours

* Remember I need blog tours

*  Kick my ass until I write the damned blogs for the blog tours

*  Proofread my blogs

*  Kick my ass until I fix the blogs

*  Remind me of edits

*  Tell me, “No, I will not do your fourth, fifth, and sixth edits, you wrote that shit you need to read it your damned self!”

*  Remind me to go shopping

*  Make sure I don’t get Oreos, because they’re the antichrist

*  Kick my ass out the door for aqua

*  Make me stop eating when I’m too tired to remember I’ve already had half a pizza

*  Rearrange my cupboards

*  Get rid of the bugs

*  Make my kids do the laundry.  No, I don’t expect my assistant to do laundry– but kicking the kids into action, that could be a job.

*   Kick my seat when I start to web surf

*  Answer questions like, “If it’s not 3Com park anymore, what the hell do we call it?”

*  Kick my seat when I start to web surf.  Again.

*  Look up the line from that one movie with the actor I can’t remember so I can reference it in my book.

*  Dammit, Amy, get off of fuckin’ goodreads!

*  Scratch my back until  you get that spot right… there..

*  Rub the perma knot in my back.

*  Let the dog in.

*  Let the cat out.

*  Let the cat in.

*  Put the dog out.

*  Yes, I’m sorry, if you see butt cookies, those need to be picked up.

*  Make a count of how many outfits I need for any given function.

*  Tell me I look pretty when I try them on.

*  Go find my deodorant so I don’t have to put on my husbands and smell like mensweat all day. (Which is not nearly as attractive on me as it is on men.)

*  Make appointments for my car.

*  Make appointments for my health, because I keep forgetting.

* Darling, if you could go to Weight Watchers and weigh in for me?  I don’t care if you’ll have my size, they’ll make you spokesperson or something.

*  Kick my chair when I’m dozing off at my desk.

*  Smack me when my blog posts get too long.

And the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry and the windows and…


Better I just keep muddling on by myself.

An assistant would see this list and run away screaming, and then I’d need an assistant to remind me to hire an assistant.

And I just don’t have the time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *