Oh yeah, sure– we all talk about needing an assistant, but I’m starting to think I should never, ever, ever get one.
I’d abuse the poor thing horribly.
Seriously– just thinking about what I’d make an assistant do is embarrassing. I mean, I probably couldn’t find someone who could do all that in a day anyway. My assistant would need an assistant.
But gees, it would be nice to have someone who would do all the stuff I couldn’t get to…
I mean, ALL the stuff.
So much stuff….
* * *
Wanted: Writer’s Assistant
Will work for resume–
Must be prepared to do the following:
* Organize my blog tours
* Remember I need blog tours
* Kick my ass until I write the damned blogs for the blog tours
* Proofread my blogs
* Kick my ass until I fix the blogs
* Remind me of edits
* Tell me, “No, I will not do your fourth, fifth, and sixth edits, you wrote that shit you need to read it your damned self!”
* Remind me to go shopping
* Make sure I don’t get Oreos, because they’re the antichrist
* Kick my ass out the door for aqua
* Make me stop eating when I’m too tired to remember I’ve already had half a pizza
* Rearrange my cupboards
* Get rid of the bugs
* Make my kids do the laundry. No, I don’t expect my assistant to do laundry– but kicking the kids into action, that could be a job.
* Kick my seat when I start to web surf
* Answer questions like, “If it’s not 3Com park anymore, what the hell do we call it?”
* Kick my seat when I start to web surf. Again.
* Look up the line from that one movie with the actor I can’t remember so I can reference it in my book.
* Dammit, Amy, get off of fuckin’ goodreads!
* Scratch my back until you get that spot right… there..
* Rub the perma knot in my back.
* Let the dog in.
* Let the cat out.
* Let the cat in.
* Put the dog out.
* Yes, I’m sorry, if you see butt cookies, those need to be picked up.
* Make a count of how many outfits I need for any given function.
* Tell me I look pretty when I try them on.
* Go find my deodorant so I don’t have to put on my husbands and smell like mensweat all day. (Which is not nearly as attractive on me as it is on men.)
* Make appointments for my car.
* Make appointments for my health, because I keep forgetting.
* Darling, if you could go to Weight Watchers and weigh in for me? I don’t care if you’ll have my size, they’ll make you spokesperson or something.
* Kick my chair when I’m dozing off at my desk.
* Smack me when my blog posts get too long.
And the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry and the windows and…
Better I just keep muddling on by myself.
An assistant would see this list and run away screaming, and then I’d need an assistant to remind me to hire an assistant.
And I just don’t have the time.