Write on the Edge

Hello, all– I’m… okay.  So it was like this.

I was up until all frickin’ hours of the night, editing Ethan Gold, when suddenly I heard a chatbox open.  Oh crap– who’s up right now?

Check the two e-mails, and oh, wait, it’s FB.  Oh!  Hi, Wt Prater— howyadoin?  Now, Wt is one of those quietly happy online presences.  He doesn’t jump up and down and spread glitter on the masses– he writes and is exuberant about what he’s done and posts blogs and sometimes tries to help me help myself by getting involved in the community.

And he wanted to know if I’d do an interview.

For the record, (and my husband knows this) if you want me to do something for you that involves sex or romance, by all means, ask me after one in the morning.

So tomorrow, I’m going to do an interview on Write on the Edge at 8 pm PST.  Now, Vicktor Alexander who did this interview right here, is going to be on the interview team, and he and his cohost will ask me questions and I will try really hard not to sound like a moron!  (That’s gonna be tough– trust me.  I don’t even want to think about how many ways I can screw this up!)

And the questions?  Okay– some of the questions I turned down were, “Who would play you in the film of your life?”  (For the record, Raven Goodwin, and I don’t care if the skin color doesn’t quite match, she’s fabulous, funny, she can display pathos and sympathy, she can sing and I can’t, she doesn’t apologize to anyone for her shape, and she’s as young as I think I am.  So there.)  Or there’s always, “How are you at discipline?  What do you do to promote writing every day?”  (To which I’d respond, “My discipline is terrible– I can’t walk by the computer without opening it and working on a project.  Wait, was that what you meant?”)  Or there’s always, “How do you feel when you finish a book?”  (Dance to THIS song.)  And the time honored, “How long do you wait between projects?”  (About as long as it takes to dance to that song.)  So, you know– if those are the questions I skipped, God knows what I’ll say to the ones I took!  (Please let it be funny, please let it be funny, please let it be funny!)

So, you know.  It could be entertaining.

Now, coincidentally, today, when I got home from Target, where all evil spawns and they only want your money if you slice open your wrist to prove the blood is yours (I’ve got issues– I need to rant!)   I got the prettiest thing in the mail.  Did you see the pictures?  Because if you didn’t, you can still order the paperbacks of Country Mouse/City Mouse combined here  and here.

So, I’m thinking… well, how do I orchestrate a giveaway.  Now I think I’ve got it– and I’m going to have to limit my venue because, frankly, I can’t count all the replies on Twitter, FB, and the blog feed on GR and here, so I’m going to make it you have to reply here.  

I will send a free copy of Country Mouse/City Mouse to the commenter who either A. Tells me what their favorite answer from the interview was, or B. Gives me a question they wish I would have been asked, C. thinks of a creative punishment for the Target executive who ordered the new credit card machine because it’s ruining my life (more about that in a second),  D. Identifies the source of the funk coming from my son’s laundry (again, more of that in a second, E. Tells me they teared up over this, F. Tells me where Left on St. Truth be Well made them cry, (and don’t lie, I know it hit some of you like this) or G. just stops in to say hello.  (Okay– that other stuff was mostly for my own benefit.)

Anyway– since some of the answers are based on the interview, (which you’ll be able to listen to as we’re taping, at 8 pm PST, OR listen to in the archives) I’m going to hold the contest open until Sunday, 7pm PST.  I’ll ship anywhere but Russia (because seriously, I don’t want you imprisoned) and throw in the bookmarks of your choice (because hey, bookmarks, I haz em!).  If I get more than FIFTY replies, I’ll throw in another book, after I scrape myself off the floor in complete and total disbelief.  Oh yeah– I’m going to use a random number generator to pick the number, and post the winner when I blog on Sunday.  If the winner doesn’t get back to me in two days, I’ll pick someone else, ‘kay?  Cause that’s as long as I can remember anything, but basically?  I’m just sort of bribing you to listen to the podcast so you can laugh at me!  (Sense.  I haz it!)

How’s that?  Did I cover all my bases?  Listen to me blather, comment on the blog, win a copy of Country Mouse/City Mouse in print!  Ta-da!

Okay– on to putting on my Ranty McRantypants–are we ready?

First of all…

Today, we played another rousing game of WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?  

It involved the laundry, and when I opened the overfilled basin, this stench emerged… oh Holy Gawd and Jebus his only! It was this amazing combination… ozone, corn chips, mildew and dog pee– *gag*  *hurl* *tamp down on the nausea*

It made my eyes water.

And then I started loading the drier.

Now, given that these were Big T’s clothes, I got halfway through with my gorge still rising (and people, you’ve been there for some of the things that don’t make me vomit, so you know this has got to be bad) and I made him come out and fill the drier.

And he figured out what had happened.

He’d tried to was a GIFUCKINORMOUS load of laundry on the small load setting.  Yes folks, apparently when your washer’s motor is trying to commit suicide, it smells like ozone, corn chips, mildew and dog pee.

And now you know.


And I continued to try to edit all day.  This was interesting, because I’d promised I’d take the kids to Pinkberry (from whence we get the smiling pictures of my lovely children)  and then to shop for school supplies at Target, (you guessed it!) and we had to do this before Squish’s soccer practice at 4:30.

Should be easy, right?  I mean, I was out of the shower at 1.  Squish was out at 1:30.  Zoomboy was… still looking for his shoes at 2:30.  I was standing right next to him when his brother found them under the computer–where he’d just been.  I flicked him in the head.  Because.  Just… just because.

And then we get to Target…

And I throw a fuckton of all the things into the cart, and pull out my perfectly valid and well funded pice of plastic to pay for the fuckton of all the things in the cart, and I get to the cash register with half an hour to spare.

But Target, you see, has just replaced their credit card machines with new ones.  These new credit card machines don’t take PIN # over 7 digits.  My PIN is 8 digits.  So I’m fucked.  So I try to get it to go to credit.

And it won’t take the credit.

So I’m fucked.

And I put in another card.

And it won’t take the other card.

So I’m fucked.

So I go over to the bank machine to get cash– and it gives me cash, because according to it, I’ve got plenty of cash, but the cash machine takes six dollars out of my account for me to get enough cash to pay for the fuckton of all the fucking things.

So now, I’m fucked again.  

I snarled at the girl behind the counter.  I don’t know if she meant to make me feel shamed and dirty because her charge machine was not doing its job, but she did, and I was furious.  

And Squish was late to soccer, where her dad, the assistant coach was on time.  And we forgot the ball.

And I overcooked dinner and the dog peed on the floor.

So there.  *fume*

Can I take my Ranty McRantypants off?

Because if I’m going to be a charming author and not free-range dino-bitch tomorrow for my interview, I need to hang around in my underwear, take a nap and let my flaming bitch parts breathe.

0 thoughts on “Write on the Edge”

  1. Kim Fielding says:

    C. Creative Target Exec Punishment: Trying to meet a writing deadline in a house with five 9th grade girls having a sleepover, one 5th grade girl trying to crash the sleepover, and one husband who's working on mortgage financing. Oh, and while scratching 10 bazillion mosquito bites from an outdoor wedding.

  2. ElaineG says:

    Oh my good gawds, I am laughing so hard right now I can't breathe!!!! Ozone, corn chips mildew AND dog pee? I might be gagging right now and I don't have smell-o-vision *snort*

    I would LURVE to have a purty paperback copy of Country Mouse/City Mouse…….

    And maybe, one day I could get the chance to take you to our WalMart (or as I usually refer to it: The Evil Conglomerate)…on a Friday, on the first of the month, when NO ONE wants to be there but EVERYONE is, and watch in awe as I use a debit card when a new cashier is looking at me as if she has never interacted with a human being before…good times! Good times!

  3. LE Franks says:

    Writer on the edge, for sure.

    Yep. I think the only truly elegant solution to your madness is to box up the soiled kid soaked clothing of doom and and send them straight to the target exec, who has been spending so much time with his head up his bosses' ass (and not in the 'oh, can I watch you play?' kinda way )- but in the oily, let me agree that your fucktard nephew's wife's brother's business refurbishing credit card machines left over from the soviet era when there were no years beyond 1999 and no pin codes beyond seven digits. So he'll deserve the off gasses that will incinerate his olfactory senses, tho that might be a plus in his world of corporate pucker.

    BTW – time to break out the sheep dip for the kid. Might help, or make his coat nice and shiny and suitable for knitting into a nice dog cozy.

    And by the way, I cry at just about everything you write – either tears of laughter at your beautiful characters or jealous at your beautiful talent, or tears of empathy at your terrible truths.

    And if I could have suggestions, I would have asked how you manage to knit two socks and have them come out the same length, and where do you shop for your stories because they are all so original and timeless and timely.

    And yes. Would love to have a copy of Country/City because I loved these guys and they didn't let the stupid get too irredeemably stupid, and the book gave me the courage to ask you for help and because you're so damn generous you gave it.

    Hope the stench fades. Kisses. LE

  4. Amy I would love a copy of Country Mouse/City Mouse.

    If you really want to have fun shopping I can take you to the Commissary on base to do your grocery shopping, on Military payday. That is always FUN. Especially now with the furloughs the Commissary is closed on Monday so the next day is PACKED! Usually about 30-45 min in line just to pay after you navigate the store and all the other shoppers who were born with no manners. We could have a blast Amy!

  5. Tina Marie says:

    Hi Amy. Don't enter me in the drawing as I already have and have read both books 🙂 I just wanted to than you for commenting on my review of Left on St. Truth-be-Well on The Novel Approach. It is lovely when an author reads and likes something put out there by a reviewer (and a huge fan!). Thank you!

  6. Unknown says:

    Just what I needed when I got up this morning, a good laugh. I feel ya on the kids, Target sucks, wish my kids would do laundry and finally I would love a print copy of any of your work.

  7. St truth be well made me cry but more so it made me laugh. Which is my favorite part of all your books! Even the most painful stories have happy moments. It had a surprising lack of knitting in it… but I made up fir it by working a merino/silk sweater while I read it 🙂

  8. Kim Whaley says:

    I would love a print copy of your books.

    I try to avoid Walmart when possible but sometimes it's a necessary evil. String the guy up by his toes and you'll feel better. 🙂

    Those combinations of smells are nasty but cat piss and a dog that rolled in poo is worse. Not by much, but close.

    I hope you get more than a hundred people comment so you would have to pick yourself of the floor twice. We like pictures. 🙂 good luck!

  9. Liz says:

    Ethan Ethan Ethan! I Can Not Wait!!!
    Do the exclaimation points prove my excitement? No? Because I can add more!!

  10. city2city says:

    A -My favourite answer from the interview was –

    28. “In the Name of Research” what is the strangest thing you have claimed on your income taxes?

    My Corbin Fisher subscription.

    The thought of some uptight civil servant auditing you and going on the website made me laugh 🙂

  11. Unknown says:

    Okay Amy, you told me to comment, so here goes. First I want to say that I loved both of these books. Now onto our Target executive. I think said executive should be made to shop in Target stores and try to get the sales people to help him locate random items – sort of like a circle of Hell. I then think that executive should be made to read high school and beginning college students' English essays nonstop for a predetermined period of time. Too harsh?

  12. roxie says:

    You are so cute in your rantypants!

    Does Big T get to help pay for washer repair?

    I tried to pay for something with cash, and the clerk was incapable of making change. It took three of us old broads to convince the little dear that $7.40 out of ten did not leave $3.60. It seems we just can't get rid of our money no way, no how anymore.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Okay, your interview had some very interesting and amusing moments, but I cracked UP at this moment when you were talking about the words used for activities and body parts.

    Paraphrasing to what my mind heard: "I like copulation as long as it's dry." BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Yeah, not exactly what you meant, not exactly what you said, but who wants non-fiction when fiction is oh so fun.

    Thanks for the laughs and for teaching me that you pronounce her last name as "Cah-may."

    I'm entertained and educated thanks to you. 😉

    caroaz [at] ymail [dot] com

  14. Lorix says:

    Hi Amy,

    Just listened to the interview and it was fun. Giant puppet Llamas – oh I wish the illicit video had been in the suitcase as well.

    I love the fact you use moments from your life (and friends & family) in your books – maybe that is why the characters are so real. (Crick is still my favourite.)

    I also loved that your husband remembered you saying you were going to use the name Lane, it's the little things that add up. Anyone can buy flowers and chocolate (hey I love flowers and chocolate) but to remember something small like that. It says it all.

    I'd love to win a copy of Country MOuse/City Mouse as I ahven't actually read it yet, though it is on my TBR list.

    Lori x

  15. Wicked says:

    1. Thank you for reminding me to come back here. I totally spaced on commenting after I listened last night and I really would love a paperback coy of County Mouse/City Mouse (my kindle died and I haven't gotten another yet. I won't go into the horrible whining about withdrawal

    . 2. My favorite answer from the show was using Corbin Fisher. I would have never have thought to use porn as tax write off but I'm totally doing that, it's brilliant.

    3. The only fitting punishment for the person that decided the new charge machines were a good idea (or really the only punishment that comes to mind at this hour of the night since my short term memory shorted out again and I can't remember the magnificent tortures I thought of yesterday, bare feet and a sea of Legos spread all around his desk/chair/bed. Sit back and imagine that for just a minute, it is nearly guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.

  16. JRSF says:

    B. Question I wish they would have asked: Is it unique to M/M publishing that you can have ongoing contracts with multiple publishers at the same time (ie Dreamspinner and Riptide)? As for the Target exec punishment re the new credit card machines, he should have to work the return line on the day after Christmas starting at 5a.

  17. Emese says:

    Hope your Rantypants were as therapeutic for you as reading the results were for me. As I haven't read Country Mouse/City Mouse yet, I would love a copy.

  18. DecRainK says:

    Entering contest with numerous choices here:

    Saying 'Hi'

    Get back at target by grabbing a bunch of random stuff and then use a bunch of random expired coupons from other stores and go extreme couponing on them while being adamant they are jot expired and should be accepted then right as they finish ringing up your order say "nevermind, i don't need this stuff anyway" and then just leave.

    St Truth Be Well makes me cry bc i dont have the money to buy it so i havent had a chance to read it yet

  19. DecRainK says:

    Entering contest with numerous choices here:

    Saying 'Hi'

    Get back at target by grabbing a bunch of random stuff and then use a bunch of random expired coupons from other stores and go extreme couponing on them while being adamant they are jot expired and should be accepted then right as they finish ringing up your order say "nevermind, i don't need this stuff anyway" and then just leave.

    St Truth Be Well makes me cry bc i dont have the money to buy it so i havent had a chance to read it yet

  20. Averin Noble says:

    Well, I don't really need paperback copies as I have the ebooks and am married to someone who can't see why anyone keeps a book they're read if it wasn't a Chilton's. Maybe this can boost the numbers up.

    Your washer story reminded me of a woman I worked with once who insisted Doritos smelled like unwashed high school boys' gym socks.

  21. Averin Noble says:

    I already have ebook copies of both and am married to someone who doesn't understand why anyone would keep a book they've read if it wasn't a Chilton's.

    One thing that really annoys me about Target is how the Express or 10 items or less lane is NEVER open when my purchases qualify and IS open when my cart is full. At those times, there are only 5 lanes open, two of them staffed by trainees.

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